We all know about country music; the shit-kickin’, down-home, Joes Plumber and Sixpack music everyone south of the Mason Dixon listens to. We at Regretful Morning share the passion, as we are located in the basement of a hog farm. The music happens to involve alot of topics, from weddings to whiskey, bars to ballet, and everything in between. Here are a few examples of another category: ‘Sexy’ come-ons:
The song: Ticks
Written and sung by Brad Paisley, the song Ticks starts out in a bar, with a man trying to pick up a woman, as men tend to do in bars. As soon as he starts talking to her, he tells her he’s not like those other guys in the bar, the ones who just want to get in her pants, or ‘take you home.’ No, he’s a good little Boy Scout (his words!).
He wants to take you on a hike to a desolate place, and check you for ticks. All over.
The song: Country Man
Written and sung by Luke Bryan, the entirety of the song is the speaker trying to convince a woman they should hook up. His flaw: his reasons are that he’s country. Not, listens to country music and rides horses country but he’s hotwire a tractor, camouflage jeep, gator wrestling country.
So far past country, he’d probably settle for one of the gators he wrestled if the woman turns him down. In the following excerpt, he basically invites her to a hookup in his deer-hunting stand. Now that’s romantic.
The song: Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) (not the official music vid but proof that the song works)
Written and sung by Big Kenny and John Rich, this song tries to create a storybook country ending. It fails. First and foremost, anyone riding a horse anywhere in New York City (Especially Broadway) better be a mounted police officer, else he’ll be meeting one right quick. At one point in the song (shown in the excerpt below), the woman calls the speaker out (while he’s drunk, in the back of his pickup truck, while Leroy the horse is wandering around shitting on sidewalks), saying he’s just a cowboy who want’s some tail. How does he remedy the situation. Singing Willie Nelson Songs!!! Seriously?
The last time any of us tried singing Willie Nelson songs to attract a lady at a bar, it worked. Gertrude was a 61 year old who, when she took off her dress, looked like she was wearing a nightgown made of pancakes. Upon inspection of one of those folds, I found a tattoo of a rose, now stretched to look like a penis stricken with Gangrene.
The song: You Look Good In My Shirt
The song, written by Mark Nessler, Tod Shapiro, and Tony Martin, and sung by Keith Urban, really doesn’t make much sense. Granted, it is mostly comprised of words and sentences (The Modern Language Associations loose description of a paragraph), however, it’s like sitting down to watch Transformers and, at the end of the movie, Optimus Prime is pregnant. Yeah, one of those What the shit? moments. Essentially, the speaker and his ex girlfriend (we’ll assume) hookup and have sex.
The next morning, he decides they need to get back together. Not because of the sex, no. Not because he cares. Nope, it’s because she looks good in his shirt. That’s right, he wants to hold on to this one because of how she looks in his shirt. After a night of sex. Now, we can imagine that isn’t that great looking but, if it’s the reason for hanging on to the relationship, than sir, have we got some advice for you: “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”
The Song: Online
Again written and sung by Brad Paisley, this song is the epitome of country music. A man pleads with women to sleep with him, and gives them a great reason. Essentially, it’s because he’s internet famous. Much like the nightly plea from Jason, this man claims his much more interesting online self is the one the woman should sleep with. Why? Well, much like half the Regretful Morning staff, online we’re models, have six pack abs, know karate, and write funny crap. And, unlike the Regretful Morning staff, he’d probably be more likely to get some tail, because in the music video, he’s played by George Costanza.
Can’t possibly think of a better reason for you to sleep with me than my pimped out Myspace page.
Sold, or The Grundy County Auction Incident, written by Richard Fagan and Robb Royer (we’ll assume the extra ‘B’ is for extra bacon) and sung by John Michael Montgomery, is a song about love. Oh, and human trafficking. That’s right, the song is about a man who sees a woman at an auction, and goes ahead and bids on her. Touching.
Even in the lyrics, he says “My mind told me I should proceed with caution“. This fucker knew what he was doing. This is quite possibly the only song in the music industry about winning love via the auction block. And if we’re wrong, fuck you. On another note, since Grundy County is actually a county in Missouri, Iowa, Illinois, and Tennessee, the man apparently still owns this woman, and freely admits this on the radio, we’re expecting arrest warrants to be issued soon.
The Song: She thinks my tractor’s sexy
Written by Jim Collins and Paul Overstreet, and sung by Kenny Chesney, this song differs from the others on the list, in that the speaker is being come on to. Kinda. Well, actually, the speakers girlfriend/wife comes on to Kenny’s tractor. A John Deere specifically. The fact that he is on top is an added bonus. Maybe. According to the following excerpt, she makes him a great picnic lunch just so he’ll let her ride the tractor for a little bit.
This broad must have mechanophilia (a fetish for machines).
On a side note, I also think that tractor’s sexy.
I’m John Scrovak and I write funny.
Here’s my Facebook.