Age 4-6 – Not having to wear diapers anymore means you’re a big kid now.
Unfortunately, you haven’t quite mastered the art of controlling your bowels. On a hot summers day you might have been playing endlessly on a slip n’ slide while eating Popsicles when you felt a knock at the back door. Scrambling to the bathroom you peel off your wet shorts and attempt to hop up on the ever so tall toilet bowl. Too late. You left a healthy Hershey trail down the front of the bowl. Since you’re a big kid now, you’ll do your best to clean it up and head back outside with your friends.
The Awkward Moment:
Approximately 34 minutes after your shit trail mishap, your mom steps onto the porch and barks out “Who left number two all over the bathroom!?” Your friends laugh, and you earn yourself “poo boy” as a nickname”. Thanks mom.
Age 7-9 – Sometime after first grade you became mature enough to have friends spend the night. These evenings were jam packed with popcorn, Disney movies, and if your parents were cool ‘Nintendo’.
The Awkward Moment:
Somewhere near the end of watching E.T. you feel a bugger in your nose. This bugger needs to be removed before the bike chase scene. It is crucial to be distraction free during the bike chase scene. As you turn your head to the left you begin to pull a giant stringer out of your nose.
This one is too big to smear on your PJ’s or eat so you begin wiping it on the couch cushions. No sweat, you’ve got another 20 minutes of rubbing it into the upholstery so it can turn into little balls right? Wrong. Mom comes in with cookies and milk and looks directly at you as your snot covered finger touches her couch. This is followed by your first, middle, and last name being said loudly (over the sound of the movie) as your mother just shakes her head. Your now confused friends will look over at you. A few moments later everyone is scrambling as far away from you and your bugger as possible (making crosses with their two index fingers) “stay away from the bugger guys!”
Age 10-12 – After a long hard day of playing soccer against against your undefeated rivals, you sit down for dinner, finish two glasses of Gatorade, and go directly to bed. That night you have a dream that you’re taking the biggest piss ever out in the woods. The next morning you wake up covered in urine.
64 ounces of lemon lime Gatorade before bed isn’t something a 10 year olds bladder can usually handle.
The Awkward Moment:
Sometime after stripping your bed, tossing the sheets in the hamper, and finishing breakfast you go outside to meet your neighbor, who is eagerly waiting on the porch. At the same time, your mom comes strolling into the laundry room with your hamper (which is conveniently located at the front of your house by the porch). Upon hurling your clothes into the washing machine she stops to ask “Why are your sheets all wet?” She then gives the sheets a sniff and asks “Did you wet the bed or something”. Your neighbor hears everything and now has blackmail material for the next 3 years.
Age 13-15 – When you think of what filled up your time at the age of 13, I’m sure masturbation is somewhere near the top of the list. Sometime after dinner and before Beavis and Butthead, you decide to pound one out.
The Awkward Moment:
Mom barrels through through the door without a care in the world, wanting to give you a good night kiss. What she sees will forever change the way that she looks at her baby boy.
Age 16-18 – You and your girlfriend snuggle up on the couch as your parents give you last minute contact information in case of emergency. Thats right, the house will be yours for the weekend as soon as the door closes. You and your lady friend have been serious for quite some time so there is no question on what type of “relationship activities” the two of you will be performing. You decide to take it to the next level when you offer up the following idea “lets do it in my parents bed”. Who can blame you? Comparing their king sized mattress to your futon is like comparing Motel 6 to The Ritz.
The Awkward Moment:
Sometime between foreplay and intercourse you hear footsteps coming toward the bedroom. In the heat of passion you put it off as the dog wandering around. A few moments later you hear your moms voice “I think I left it in the bedroom.” So there you are, fully erect staring your mom in the face. (No ones mom is as cool as the one in the video below.)
With anger, sadness, and confusion in her eyes she stomps out of the room laying into your father. The sentence usually starts with “Your son is….”, rather than “Our son is….”. At this point she doesn’t want to claim you anymore.
I’m sure we missed a few. What has your mom caught you doing?
February 9, 2009
#1
Holy shit, I wish my ex’s mom was like that. How many guys get a handjob from their girlfriend’s mom in front of her? lol. He just got automatic dibs on that ass for a later time… milfage ftw.
February 9, 2009
#2
Your ex’s mom IS like that (speaking from experience).
February 11, 2009
#3
for the love of god, it’s BOOGER. go look bugger up in a dictionary.
February 11, 2009
#4
You’re absolutely right. Something about the word bugger has grown on me though so I will leave it as is. Still friends?
February 12, 2009
#5
Bugger is actually a very nasty word if you know the true definition of it. Ever since someone told me to actually look up the real definition, I have tried not to use that word…even though it is a fun word to say.
July 2, 2009
#6
Totally done the pissing one. Man that was nasty, waking up.
April 28, 2010
#7
I have two stories of getting walked in on. Both involve my ex’s Mum.
The first: Still in highschool. We weren’t at the point that there was bangage yet, but near naked fooling around, yes. So, we’re done our stuff, and cuddled up under a blanket on the couch in his room, clothes on a pile beside us. His Mother strolls in calm as can be, glances at the striped t-shirt that she saw me in that day and looks at her son “That’s your laundry, eh?”
“Er, yes” watches us sweat for a while and wanders off.
Second story: The morning after prom. I slept over at his house often. Our parents knew, it was no secret. However, on this occasion, his Mother didn’t realize. We wake up, and start doing it. She walks in to see me on top, no blankets, riding her only son. He sees her, I don’t, she bolts and only then do I realize what’s happened.
When we eventually shamefully emerge, she offers us breakfast, which is refused in favor of GTFOing. She just said “Next time I’ll knock” and that was the end of it later.
I miss his Mom. She was awesome.