Placentas found in sewage system, WTF?
February 28, 2009
I thought that this shit was only supposed to happen in Florida.
Someone is disposing of placentas in a central Illinois sewage system and authorities want it to stop. Workers in Urbana on Thursday found a placenta in a filter that keeps large objects out of the sewage treatment plant — the third such find this year. So police have enlisted medical experts. “It was one of the weirdest calls I’ve ever received,” said Julie Pryde, who heads the Champaign-Urbana Public Health District.
Urbana Police Lt. Bryant Seraphin remembered: “She said, ‘You found a WHAT in the WHERE?’
We can all pretty much agree that this is fucking disgusting right?
Storm sewers and toilets drain to the system, so those seem to be the likeliest routes, Pryde said, “but I don’t think my personal toilet at home would be able to flush a placenta.”
Nice detective work Julie! – via c-uphd
BREAKING NEWS: Karim Abdul Jebip Announces Qur’an Translation Error
February 27, 2009
At a press conference held in Kabul today, Karim Abdul Jebip, spokesman for all the peoples of Islam, announced a major translation error in the Qur’an.
Taking time to look deep into each TV camera present, Jebip apologized profusely to all of the western world for terrorist attacks in the name of Allah. “While it is a radical sect of Islam we don’t support,” Jebip stated, “Their continued hatred of western civilization stems from a mistranslation of the original text of the Qur’an, a fault entirely ours.”
Jebip went on to say the entire context of the Qur’an is completely reversed, and at the mistranslation of a single word. Jihad, he stated, does in fact mean holy war. During the drafting of the original Qur’an, however, the writers were so painfully lacking in caffeine that, when working into the night, their handwriting became less and less legible. “The word we have all translated as ‘Jihad,’ or holy war” Jebip announced with a humbled fervor, “was reinvestigated by my staff. After a discovery, and several hundred double-checks, we realized ‘Jihad’ was originally printed ‘Jibad.’ While it is no excuse, the reason this mistranslation held out so long is because the end of the ‘h’ sort of went too far to the left, giving it the appearance of a ‘b.’ The word Jibad, a long abandoned ancient word, would translate to an orgy-based party. I’ll take some questions now.”
MSNBC: “Mr. Jebip, how did this error go unnoticed so long?”
KAJ: “In all honesty, it is quite possible one of the radicals of Islam actually noticed the error in a few of the words, but had the audacity to change each and every word in the rest of the Qur’an.”
REGRETFUL MORNING: “Mr. Jebip, what does this mean for those Islamic militants fighting US troops? According to the newly rediscovered original text, how should they treat American forces?”
KAJ: “In accordance with the Qur’an, American forces who sought to liberate Afghanistan from Osama Bin Laden should have been greeted with a 3-week festival of hookah, peace pipes, and scantily-clad gyrating women.”
FOX NEWS: “Mr. Abdul, is it true you had sexual relations with Simon Cowell?”
KAJ: “Who, wha? No, what are- Abdul’s my middle name. You go to hell, Fox News.”
CNN: “Mr. Jebip, does this revelation change the attire and general attitude toward Middle Eastern women?”
KAJ: “No. The punishment is still death for those ankle-showin’ slutty bitches. However, during a Jibad, all those laws are temporarily set aside.”
ASSOCIATED PRESS: “Mr. Jebip, how should Islamic fighters act now, after having been fighting for so long?”
KAJ: “Thank you, that brings me to my next point. In light of the recent revelations, and the fact that we all could sure as hell use it, consumption of alcohol is now permitted under Muslim law.”
RM: “Mr. Jebip, does that mean there will be a new market in the Middle East for alcohol?”
KAJ: “When we first decided on the overturning of the ban on alcohol, we contacted the National Beer Wholesalers Association in the US and they are now the only nation permitted to import alcohol.”
FOX NEWS: “Karim, we have reports you sodomized the prime ministers cat. How do you respond to that?”
KAJ: “I wha? No, that’s not- Someone get this bitch out of here.”
RM: “Mr. Abdul, do you expect this to be a large source of income for the United States?”
KAJ: “Indeed I do. In fact, from what I’ve learned, we could throw back enough booze to bring the US right out of it’s recession. That will be all. Thank you.”
You heard it here first folks. There will be no more holy war in the Middle East, women’s rights were almost granted, Fox News got put in their place, and we can expect an end to the recession shortly. That’s one hell of a news day. Reporting (half intoxicated) from Kabul, I’m John Scrovak with Regretful Morning.
No sex talk for Germans
February 27, 2009
64% of Germans would rather not talk about sex (this has got to be a made up poll). Germans brought us sheizer videos, uncircumcised anal gang bangs, and the Hoff.
How could they all of a sudden not like sex talk? We’re calling bullshit.
BERLIN (Reuters) – Germans would rather talk about death, sickness or money problems than sex.
A new poll of nearly 2,000 Germans showed sex to be the subject they least liked to talk about, with 64 percent saying it was something they would rather avoid.
Popular Links:
College kid gets owned by cops – Blog of Hilarity
Rita Egidio topless – Camel Tap
Kitten and dog = BFFs – College Humor
Hot ot not babe (slightly nsfw) – Don Chavez
Jessie Shannon gallery – Gorilla Mask
Hottest WAGs of the PGA tour – Manofest
Kristy Ann gallery – Next Round
Coach fails at slapping ass – YepYep
Pernilla Lundberg takes it off (nsfw) – Totally Crap
TGIF hottie: Brianna Is Bangin’
February 27, 2009
Really, is there any need for a description?
Cat causes stampede plus robbery
February 26, 2009
Looks like there is a new way score some easy loot. Tools needed: Cat, power outage, and a few pick pocketers.
Thieves caused chaos outside a Somaliland mosque late on Thursday when they took advantage of a power cut to throw a stray cat into the crowd, triggering a stampede so they could rob worshippers.
Large screens had been set up outside Hargeisa’s packed Ali Matan Mosque so thousands of people could watch a sermon by Sheikh Moustafa Hagi Ismael Hassan, one of the Horn of Africa country’s most senior Muslim clerics.
But when a short circuit cast the downtown area into darkness, the sheikh said gangsters hurled a feral cat into the centre of the crowd, causing a commotion. During the stampede, the robbers grabbed mobile phones and money.
“A number of people were wounded, most of them beggars,” Hassan told Reuters. “I’ve sent them to hospital for treatment.” via yahoo
Animal shelters are filling up right now due to the shitty economy. So before you give your cat up for adoption, keep in mind that they can carry their own weight.
Pole dance does not end well
February 26, 2009
Can anyone make out what her friend says? “Oh you’re so pretty!” is what I heard, and for some reason – that made me laugh even harder than her failing miserably.
An accurate look at popularity
February 26, 2009
Possessions often influence the amount of friends and followers someone has obtained in life. Looking into the past, this logic holds true as far back as Elementary school. Think back to second grade: Remember how Billy always had a bunch of friends? That started because his mom was awesome, and she always made sure that she packed him a healthy amount of Oreos for snack time. Like moths to a bug light, we flocked to those cookies. Billy also got away with things we wouldn’t have. For example: Most of us would never be able to live down a pants shitting moment in gym class. Billy on the other hand, escaped with minimal razzing from his peers.
Today we’re going load someone up with unlimited beer, weed, and Viagra and take a look at what items scored them the most friends, and the time line in which it took place.
Popular Links:
Sophie Anderton nude in Zoo mag (nsfw) – Totally Crap
Jenny Poussin spank bank (nsfw) – Gorilla Mask
Odette Yustman gallery – On 205th
Suelyn Mederious Covered in oil – Next Round
Mila Kunis is fn hot – Manofest
Octuplet whore mom offered porn role – Blog of Hilarity
Willa Ford is still alive and getting undressed – Camel Tap
Fat girls talking like skinny girls – College Humor
Natasha Henstridge = MILF – Don Chavez
Fat shoplifter gets owned – Double Viking
8 Overkill Punishments Dished out by Greek Gods
February 25, 2009
The Greeks brought the world a number of awesome things. The first Olympics, delicious Gyros, but most importantly The Greek Gods. Today we’re going to jump into the Delorian and take a look at what might have happened if you somehow disappointed one of them.
Does the punishment fit the crime? In many cases we’d like to say no, but we’ll let you be the judge.
Actaeon – Actaeon was a hunter who spent his days chasing wild life with his hound dogs. One afternoon he was hunting in the woods when he stumbled across Artemis who was bathing. Like any heterosexual male, he took a moment to admire her cans.
His Punishment - Artemis didn’t like the fact that she was being stared at by a nobody, so she cursed him with forbidden speech. Talking would result in a shape shift. Basically he had to shut the fuck up for the rest of his life or he would turn into a deer. Sadly, he couldn’t keep quiet long and he tried to call out to his hunting party. Upon doing so, he was turned into a stag and ripped to pieces by his own dogs. Pretty steep fine for accidentally stumbling across a set of tits.
Arachne – Archne was a weaver, and a damn good one. Like many people who become the best at something, she slowly started to develop a monster ego. She even went so far as to tell people that she could out weave Athena (the goddess of wisdom and war as well as the weaving arts). Athena gets pissed, disguises herself, and challenges Archne to a ‘weave off’. Arachne weaves up several portraits of the gods displaying infidelity (oops). Although the tapestry was flawless, it sent Athena into a rage.
Her Punishment – Athena (now pissed) completely destroys Arachne’s work, and touches her forehead. Doing so instilled the notion of guilt upon her. This sent Arachne into a depression and eventually she hanged herself. Now feeling bad that Arachne had off’d herself, Athena decides to bring her back to life…as a fucking spider.
IO – Zeus liked to play the field. One of the hunnies he liked to mess with was a slammin’ betty named IO. One day they were getting it on, when Zeus’ jealous wife (Hera) rolls up on them. Not wanting to get caught, Zeus quickly turned IO into a cow. Hera wasn’t completely fooled though so she demanded the cow as a gift.
Her Punishment – Poor IO really didn’t do anything wrong. Sure she was grabbing her ankles for Zeus, but what would’ve happened if she had said no? Exactly. Eventually Zeus decides he wants her back so he gets Hermes to kill Argus (who was gaurding IO in her cow state). The now very jealous (and bat shit crazy) Hera just became more upset and had a gadfly chase down IO, stinging her in the ass, so she could never rest again.
Sisyphus – Zeus had taken the daughter of the river god Asopus for his sexual desires. Sisyphus knew where she was, so he made a stupid move and told Asopus of her whereabouts.
His Punishment – Naturally this made Zeus furious, so he gave him a slap on the wrist. By slap on the wrist I mean, being cursed to push a gigantic boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back down again – for eternity.
Narkissos – This guy was a regular lady killer. By the time he was 15 years old, every girl in town wanted to be with him. One day, a nymph by the name of Echo stalked him into the woods. When she finally showed herself he wasn’t the least bit interested and basically said “tits or gtfo” (without the tits part). This devastated Echo.
His Punishment – Since Echo was a total crybaby, she spent the rest of her life doing so, until Nemesis heard her prayers. Apparently Nemesis was tired of her belly aching as well so he decided to give Narkissos a taste of his own medicine. Later, Narkissos saw his reflection in the water, fell love with it, realized that it was an image of himself, and died (knowing he couldn’t act upon his love). His soul was sent to the darkest hell (the narcissus flower grew where his body once laid). Keep this story in mind next time you’re about to shun the girl with fucked up teeth at the bar.
Ixion – One evening Zeus invited Ixion over for dinner. The not so bright Ixion started to lust after Hera. Playing footsie with Zeus’ old lady was definitely frowned upon, so he was scolded and told to stop. Being a generous host, Zeus invites Ixion to stay the night. To test his loyality he formed a cloud like replica of his wife and sent her to Ixion’s room. Ixion, without missing a beat, hit that shit.
His Punishment – Zeus was done giving this guy warnings so fired a lightning bolt at him. He wasn’t quite satisfied with just a lightning bolt though so he fastened him to burning wheel…for eternity.
Tiresias – This guy once came across two snakes mating, so he decided to kill one of them (the female snake). For some reason this turned him into a woman. Years later he saw different set of snakes mating, so he killed the male this time, turning him back into a man. Meanwhile, Zeus and his woman (Hera) were arguing about who gets the most pleasure out of sex, the man or the woman. They called upon Tiresias to settle this (since he had been bent over quite a few times when he was in his female state). Tiresias explained that men give 10 times more pleasure then they receive during sex.
His Punishment - Surprise, surprise – Hera is fucking fired up yet again. Displeased with losing the argument, she decides to blind poor Tiresias. Zeus was like “Damn dude I hate when she gets in these moods, I can’t get your eyes back but I will extend your life by 7 and also give you the gift of foresight.” There really isn’t a moral here besides ‘never try to win an argument with a woman’.
Prometheus – It is said that without Prometheus, mankind would have never had fire. He did this by putting some hot coal in a fennel-stalk that he took from the gods, then gave the contraption we call fire, back to the humans.
His Punishment - Zeus did not like this act of betrayal so he chained Prometheus to a rock. That doesn’t seem to bad does it? Oh I forgot to mention that a motherfucking eagle swoops down every day to eat out his liver which regenerated at night.
Conclusion: Sure the gods were a bit harsh, and sometimes I’d go so far as to say they were being assholes, but look what it accomplished. People knew that if they messed up, they’d be eating a shit sandwich (possibly for eternity). Wouldn’t you feel a whole lot better if the douchebag who cut you off in the Ford Ranger got a Greek God smack down? “Dear Zeus, some bro in a Ranger just cut me off, also his bumper sticker said ‘Hera sucks dick’.”
You can be certain that this was his last act of freeway disrespect for awhile.
Tribute to nice butts in tights
February 25, 2009
Once in awhile men get asked the following question: “Are you an ass man or a boobs man?” Up until recently I would always answer “boobs man”, but it has become hard for me to choose a good rack over some of these. Even if said rack is flawless.
Popular Links:
Lindsay Lohan topless photoshoot – On 205th
Dog amazed by cup cakes – Funny Hub
Motorcycle back flip doesn’t end so well – YepYep
What not to do while writing a resume – Boosh Magazine
Disgusting guy eats his boogers in traffic – Blog of Hilarity
I heart Metallica – Afro Jacks
Ashley Tisdale in a bikini – Camel Tap
Cat fight in da hood – Don Chavez
Topless coffee shop now open? – Next Round
Two not so tough guys try to fight
February 24, 2009
Circling before a fight for a solid minute is awesome. Listen to some of this commentary….”you cheated you pulled my shirt over my head! – I ain’t fightin with you.”
