Regretful Morning

Your GF’s beaver needs a trim, what now?

Posted December 3rd, 2008 at 11:31 am by

We’ve all been in this sticky (or should I say hairy) situation at least once.  Dinner was great, drinks were a blast, but as you and hairy Mary make that drive home, you begin to feel a knot in your stomach.  It won’t be because of the game you want to watch, the Xbox you want to play, or the dirty underwear in your apartment.  You know whats coming (she’s had a few drinks which means foreplay), and its about to hit you like a Sasquatch upper cut.

Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Shave Her Beaver: An Instructional Guide To Happiness

Making suggestions about a females appearance, no matter where the area, is bound to stir up a shit storm that will make Katrina look like a small drizzle.  Sensitive, subtle, and understanding should be your first priority.

The Subtle: I’ve Got Something in My Teeth

Once you’ve gone through another excruciating foreplay session with what might as well been a brush you picked up off the floor of Super Cuts, drop this quick one liner: “Hold on sweety, I’ve got something in my teeth – let me rinse real quick before we kiss”. Doing this after every single foreplay session will get a light bulb to go on eventually.  You’ll need to stick with it.

The Example: Shave Your Balls

Sometimes you need to lead by example.  Shaving the grapes wasn’t on your priority list, but neither was coughing up a fur ball after an intimate night with your lady.  Once completed you need to point out that you did this for her“Ya honey, I had some shrubbery going on and I decided to shave it so it wouldn’t get all up in your grill”. Unless she is a cave woman, following suit will be the first thing on her agenda.

The Bold: Place a Razer in her Stocking

This can lead to hurt feelings, but assuming the above hasn’t worked – placing a razor in her stocking this year, should do the trick.  “Look babe, it even has a flexible head to get those hard to reach areas /wink”. Worst case scenario, she throws the razor in your face.  At least you won’t have to use your manly shaver on your balls anymore.

Last Ditch: Shave your Fucking Beaver Please

So its been two weeks of mouth rinsing, shaving your own balls, and looking at an unopened pink razor in your bathroom.  Sometimes tough love is the only way to go.  Remember: you’re doing it for the relationship.  Here are a few last ditch efforts that will most definitely hurt feelings (she’ll be thankful in the long run).

“Can’t go down on you tonight sugar tits, I never liked Harry and the Hendersons.”

“220 B.C. called, they want their look back.”

“I feel like Bear Grylls in last nights Man Vs Wild episode!”

Around The Web

  • r
    December 3, 2008


    220 B.C. ???

    hell, the 70′s.

    I quote Stewie from Family Guy:
    “Apparently the razor wasn’t invented
    until the late eighties!”

  • Jason
    December 3, 2008


    @r – 70′s pr0n will always be my fav.

  • Peter Vagineater
    December 3, 2008


    Contrary to slick articles like this, most men don’t have a preference for hairy vs. shaven except what makes the girl happy. I’m seeing pubic hair come back in fashion. I personally like the mystery and softness of the hidden furr plus the scent is paacked full of luscious sex pheromones. I shaven my johnson twins once and it was hell. I forgive generously the girls who go for comfort, spontaneity, and their (trimmed) natural hair when I know the pain and cactus stubble that come with shaving. PS: The Barbie/prepubescent look is for guys who can’t handle a real woman.

  • ciao
    December 3, 2008


    some of us like to get with women, not little bald girls.


    not to mention the razor burn and stubble that 90% of women have by the next day.

    eff that ess

  • Tilt
    December 4, 2008


    What the woman prefers is definetly inportant but a completly untrimmed bush is horrible…I trim and shave my twig and berries and my gf shaves herself and loves how it feels and looks. Sorry peter but muff diving in the amazon where I feel like I need a weedwacker is not cool IMO. But in the end have fun doing your own thing as long as you and your girl are happy!

  • Honest Man
    December 5, 2008


    Peter Vagineater said:

    Contrary to slick articles like this, most men don’t have a preference for hairy vs. shaven except what makes the girl happy.

    That’s gotta be complete BS. First of all, when asked such a question, the last thing most men would consider is “what makes the ‘girl’ happy.” Please! Why does that even matter? But if men did respond with that line of baloney, it’s only because some hot chick with a shaved beaver was asking the question and he wanted to get in her pants. Besides, studies show that 89% of all statistics are inaccurate by at least 85%. heh

  • rick
    December 5, 2008


    The internet has spawned this weird prepubescent hairless ideal of women that is in no way realistic.

    Women can make their own decision. Perhaps this has been so pervasive because the internet is filled with horney 14 year old boys who really actually want a prepubescent girl.

    If you’ve ever been with a woman you’ll know that there is no hair near the clitoris whether or not it is shaved.

    ‘Honest Man’ can have all of those nasty blond bimbos. They deserve an asshole like him.

  • Swig
    December 6, 2008


    Rick if you’ve ever been with a woman and did a remotely good job you’d know that there is a lot more to muff diving than the clitoris.

    I don’t recall ever seeing stubble on lips, yet my GF gets beard rash from kissing if I don’t shave for a few days.

    Shaved and trimmed muffs are yummy. Stubbly muff and Amazonian-jungle-woman-dense-underbrush muff aren’t. The latter is particularly bad when you’re getting jiggy in a hot, sweaty environment. Ugh.

  • Jason
    December 6, 2008


    Swig, I was eating when I read your comment. Now I don’t want to anymore – thanks.

  • biotch
    December 11, 2008


    there is nothing wrong with some hair down their as long as its not outta control, all of you are taking this to the extreme – either no hair or a lot of hair. i actually like it in between cause some hair down their is kind of sexy

  • john
    December 12, 2008


    There is nothing nicer than a shavin puss yum yum

  • cindy who
    April 23, 2009


    My man suggested shaving a real life-size beaver stencil into my hootchie…. :wink, wink:

    • Jason
      April 23, 2009


      Please tell me you did.

  • MiddleGround
    June 16, 2009


    Are you serious? What about trimmed? I am male, I trim. I’ve never asked a girl to shave. I’m not licking an unkempt garden. Hairballs are for animals, not humans. Anything more than half an inch is too long.

    • .
      October 20, 2010


      Humans ARE animals.

  • Bluto
    October 19, 2009


    Sorry, but some wool is always sexy. Both are cool, but I’ve always enjoyed the bush.

  • Sarah
    February 16, 2010


    The razor burn goes away when you’ve been doing it for a while. I think it’s fucking gross. I shave daily.

  • muffdiver
    August 12, 2010


    If you want her pussy to have stubble like Grandad’s chin, shave it.
    If you have chosen a girl with an “Amazon bush” that’s your own fault.
    If it needs trimming you can always do that.
    If you want to try it shaved, go right ahead, but don’t let the pussified us media tell you that its necessary.

  • Sean
    November 28, 2010


    OR, buy a big bag of that “Big League Chew” bubble gum, chew up the whole fucking bag and then go down on her.

    “Uh… honey, whoops!”

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