Why Manly Movie Lists Are All Flawed

Obscure top 10 lists are all over the place.  Top 10 comics where the super hero is gay, top 10 songs that reference marijuana, top 10 celebs who were going to get a nose job but ended up with bigger tits, top 10 plants that can be used to mask the scent of shit…etc etc.

Most of these are fun reads, some not so much, and others are so flawed beyond belief that the author might get a personal email.

This goes out to every movie blogger or entertainment writer who has made a ‘top 10 manly movie’ list and left out the most manly movie of all time.

What makes a manly movie?

Machine Guns Causing Ridiculous Amounts of Destruction

Really? These guys cut down a city block worth of jungle using bullets and you didn’t add it to your list?   If Predator only consisted of this scene alone, it should be on every ‘manly movie list’…ever.

Flexing Muscles And Power Hand Shakes

Handshakes are manly.  Handshakes at the end of an arm that could pass as a tree trunk are ultra manly.  Handshakes that involve two tree trunk sized arms and a display of dominance, are so fucking manly that you’re probably going to stop reading this article to go chop some fire wood.

Zero Love Interest

Viking Arthur actually pointed this out to us.   Anna (the hostage) could have been completely removed from the script and it would not have mattered.  So often you will see that everything is done for a female, whether it be an act of heroism, a show of courage, or in some cases just a struggle for her interest.   In Predator, the only struggling done, is for the right to live.  Love is overrated and so is chivalry.  When Dutch wanted an answer from Anna, he didn’t ask for one – he demanded one.

Tobacco Spit

Jesse the Body Ventura spits a giant wad of Red Man all over Carl Weathers’ army boot.   He also explains that chewing tobacco will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Sacrifice

Instead of fleeing to the chopper, Billy makes the ultimate sacrifice – his life.  He could have tucked his tail and ran for that chopper but he didn’t.  Instead, he tossed his gun off of a tree bridge, raked a machete  across his chest, and told death to lick his balls.  He bought his commanding officer some time, in exchange for his life.  That scene alone displayed a larger set of rocks than the entire box set of Rambo.

Fight To The Death

Lets settle this like men, in a good ol’ fashion brawl.  You often hear football coaches say “leave it all out on the field”.  In this case “all” refers to the right to live, and “field” is a gigantic jungle.  Translated this means “take the life of something that out powers you, or die in the jungle”.  Trading blows with “one ugly modda fucka” of an alien in a fight to the death, is so manly that it can’t even be described in words.  Hell, if you were watching this scene on a ‘Zeneth’, chances are you would have received the following error;  Scene is too manly for this piece of shit TV, please buy a new one.

Still not convinced?

Other stuff to waste time on:
7 comfy shaggin wagons
Movie characters that can out drink you
Dog scales up a tree
Figure skating pile driver