New Years Eve aka another reason to get completely hammered is referred to by many as rookie night. On this night, everyone who is legal drinking age (and a selected few with good fake id’s) will be partaking in the largest pre-hangover they will experience all year. This night alone is why 55% of young adults make it their resolution to stop drinking the following morning. Lets take a look at some of the people you will undoubtedly bump in to before the night is over.
Annoying Party Favor Dude – This guy will be blowing on one of those party favor horns like hes trying to signal for help, while hes on a life raft in the Pacific.
Nothing says happy New Year like the loss of hearing you’re about to receive via air blower horn thingy 2 inches from your ear. To top it off he will be pulling apart those party exploders at a rate of at least 2 per minute.
The Crying Chick – The crying chick will start to remember her holiday break up after screw driver number 2. This means that she will have a group of girls around her at all times trying to comfort her with words of wisdom like “fuck him you can do soooo much better”, “his new girl is such a skank you are so much prettier” and my personal favorite “you should just fuck some random cute guy”.
The last line is my favorite because after 4 more shots, every dude in the bar becomes “a random cute guy”. If you can handle the drama, keep an eye on this one.
The Guy That Doesn’t Want to be Bothered – This guy probably showed up alone. Hes wearing a button down shirt that he just picked up at sears and hes ready to play the ‘cool n’ quiet’ type. Sadly, the cool quiet type will go unnoticed all night.
Sometime after the count down he will accept failure and start pounding double Jagers. By 1:30 am he will have told 7 strangers and 3 bartenders how he was molested by his father at age 9. At 2:41 am, his cab driver sees an opening with the now sobbing emo douche. At 2:46 am he will have reenacted his child hood trauma with a cab driver named Mitch – happy New Year!
The Obvious whore who doesn’t like her tits stared at – Its December 31st which means its fucking cold. Despite the snow banks and icy roads outside, this little gem will wear next to nothing.
They could make a real men of genius commercial with girls like this; “30 degree weather, a frost bitten toe, nipples that can cut glass, these minor weather hazards won’t stop this diva from almost showing you her tits all night”. But don’t stare. Don’t you dare fucking stare. She is not a piece of meat and she’ll let you know.
Metro dude with fucked up hair – Chances are there will be more than one. They travel in packs like Hyenas and they’re extremely awesome in their own mind. If you take a date to this years party, don’t leave her in the vicinity of fucked up hair dude while you’re taking a piss.
Much like how a hyena smells an injured gazelle, these clowns will surround a girl standing by herself. Before you’ve even finished shaking it, your date will be bombarded with talk of BMW’s, wealth, and fame. Just remember, the male lion does not fear the hyena.