Name: J2

Age: 24

I was going back to my hometown for a Tool concert last summer and was going to be staying at a friends place. Well after the show we were going to this guy named Phil’s house. Upon seeing Phil I immediately regretted this decision. I did not want to be going back to a trailer and partying there. Reluctantly we followed him to his place and I immediately retracted my statement. He lived in the biggest, most luxurious house I have ever seen.

I asked my friend Dustin what the fuck was up and he responded “Both of his parents are doctors.” Well if my parents were loaded I guess I wouldnt give a fuck either. So we get there and they drag a ping pong table outside and we immediately set up beer pong. After a couple games we are shown around the house and I asked if I could move in. You’re reading this expecting the house to be awesome, but it was even better than that. The basement had pinball machines, air hockey, everything you could think of. Oh yeah, it also had 11 drum sets. Yes 11. Apparently the kids dad was some kind of collector.

So the place was badass and everyone is getting drunk and then we run out of beer. Game over. So before we get in the car to leave I decided that it would be a good idea to make myself throw up so that I wouldn’t feel like shit in the morning. It was a terrible decision. Once I started throwing up, I couldn’t stop. I threw up 3 times in Phil’s yard, twice in the white castle drive thru, and then once more on the side of the road before we even made it back to my friends trailer, I wish i was making that part up.

So he sets me up with a puke pan and I’m sitting in a chair and then it happens. I’m about 30 seconds away from shitting my pants. I run as fast as my drunken ass can to the bathroom, with the puke pan of course. I proceeded to shit and puke simultaneously for what felt like forever. Now here is the good part. My friends roommate gets home from work and knocks on the bathroom door. I let him know that I’m in there. He says he needs to get his contacts off the counter. This was my exact response “If you want them, you’re going to have to get them.” In my drunken stupor there was no way I was going to be able to get anything for anyone. So he reluctantly opens the door and grabs them. Eventually I stop shitting long enough to jump into the shower. I’m leaning against the wall letting the water fall on me and I fall asleep. Standing in the shower is a terrible place to decide to fall asleep. I wake up as I’m falling and hitting the side of the tub. Goddamnit. I dry off and go and sleep on the couch. The next day we are leaving and my buddy is driving us back, two hours mind you, and it I ask him if I happened to get raped the night before. My throat was killing me from all the throwing up and my ass was killing me from all the shitting. It was the most uncomfortable ride of all time.

Dear J2, You get points for not shitting your pants. Its always good to keep one of those spare donut pillows handy for those bumpy rides. A smoking O-ring needs to be handled with care.