Five Things you learned in college that they never taught you in orientation.
College orientation can be exciting. You get a jist of how college life will be (a crash course if you will)…Thats why we decided to crank out a list dedicated to what they will not tell you.
5) Freshman 15
What they tell you
The campus cafeteria can be found at the end of Emerson Hall. We keep a large variety of assorted foods and the vending machines are open 24 hours.
What they should have told you
In 3 months you will be a fat ass. Lets face it, the cafeteria will never be open when you need it. This resorts in Hot Pockets and Red Bull from the vending machines while you’re pulling all nighters trying to cram. That combined with eating pizza and drinking beer every other night will soon leave you looking like Jared (before he found Subway).
4) Certain bars have college night
What they tell you
At times you can take advantage of coupons that we hand out to students. These coupons are good for discounts in various restaurant establishments across town.
What they should have told you
Once you find out which bars offer college night, you’ll soon become a regular. This leads to you spending time at bars (when you should be studying) because you think you’re saving money. Eating hotwings and slamming 2 dollar mixers lead to….(see #5)
3) You will live off of Top Ramen at least once
What they tell you
Financial aid forms can be found at the administration office. If you have any questions, feel free to ask a counselor.
What they should have told you
You’re in college, prepare to be broke. If you can’t afford a George Foreman Grill and a bunch of frozen chicken breasts, we suggest you head to Costco and buy Top Ramen in bulk.
2) STD’s
What they tell you
Nothing.
What they should have told you
1 in 4 people on campus has an STD (that is an actual stat taken from SDSU). Even if you do wear a condom, there is a good chance you will catch crabs. You can save a lot of money if you skip the prescription shampoo, and just shave your pubes.
1) WoW + Counterstrike = F
What they tell you
It is important to manage your time wisely. Making and maintaining a class schedule is your responsibilty. Taking too many credits at once can become overwhelming.
What they should have told you
Do not install World of Warcraft on your computer. Do not install Counterstrike on your computer. You will not be able to function in your 8am class if you’re bunny hopping and head shotting through CS servers all night. We understand you think that you will be able to go on a raid at 9pm and still get a good night sleep before your Trig class. The truth is: your preist will keep going link dead before he can give you ‘prayer of fortitude’. The Druid who was supposed to cast resist got impatient and logged off. By the time you found another druid, called in another preist with a decent connect, and finished your raid – it was 3am. We’ll see you at starbucks.
October 17, 2008
#1
Despite their mewings to the contrary, most female college students are there to find a husband who will hopefully use his college degree to maximize future income, allowing the female to sate her innate craving for the horde of material possessions she desires and to maximize the alimony that she will shake the man down for after she tires of him.
Shun all females for that reason, ensure you do not impregnate any and consider joining the Females as Property Movement.
October 17, 2008
#2
Hey asshole. Some of us go to college for an education.
October 17, 2008
#3
Your foul mouth, little girl, does not minimize the accuracy of my personal observations and experiences.
October 17, 2008
#4
Did you even goto college?
October 17, 2008
#5
I bet you are a sweet little girl. With some basic training you may make a worthy wench for a real man.
You may want to consider enlisting in the Females as Propert Movement.
Many girls will find true happiness that way.
October 18, 2008
#6
Ha well-done, well-done. The freshman 15 is no joke, and for that exact reason. When I was a frosh, I must have spent half my meal points at campus convenience stores and lived on a healthy diet of Gatorade and Reeses Cups.
Thankfully now it’s Dr. Pepper and Oreos.
October 18, 2008
#7
The jack n the box where I live is open 24 hours. I remember getting those breakfast jacks at 3am and playing RTCW until the sun came up.
October 18, 2008
#8
That last one is the most true, I was planning on studying today, instead I just spent time playing the new patch in WoW. Sigh…
PS. Someone who actually plays WoW probably should’ve written that section….
October 18, 2008
#9
My friend, I have no idea where you went to college, but I was told about every single thing on this list. In my orientation package I had a package of noodles, rice and bunch of condoms as well as a pamphlet on stds. As for WoW and Counter Strike…I got a free Counter Strike CS game…That’s f***ing right. As for the freshman 15…as much as I ate, I never seemed to get that, not even with the late night ice creams and greasy burgers.
October 19, 2008
#10
kelli, you’ve been trolled. hard.
October 19, 2008
#11
For me, it was the freshman 40. I was a scrawny little twig to begin with and the 40 extra pounds just made me look normal. But I still like to tell all of the frosh girls that I gained 40 pounds in 3 months because of the cafeteria
October 19, 2008
#12
Good thing I dont drink alcohol, study hard, have a steady girlfriend, dont play world of warcraft, am the president of chess club, and get straight As. I win at college.
October 19, 2008
#13
all 5 of these things are true, only not all campus’s have college night bars. like mine, but all in all, ramen is a good source of food when u’ve got no money, walmart has them for 17 cents.
October 19, 2008
#14
Should just say its the freshman 40 and keep it real
more good stuff.
http://thingsfatpeoplehate.wordpress.com
October 19, 2008
#15
Crab shampoo is now available without a perscription for about 10 bucks.
Shaving your pubes will not stop you from getting crabs.
Where a condom because having an STD sux bigtime and then you will have to wear one as not to give it to anyone else, Ghonerea is like have a bad cold you feel run down and yellow puss come out as discharge.
9 time out of 10 a guy knows he has it and 9 times out of 10 a woman has no clue she has it.
If it looks like rain wear a raincoat, How do I know all this I spent 8 years in Collage to become a Dr. and contracted the Funky Tut many time after Collage I probably racked up about 1000 girls added to my DONE list and now I just enjoy being filthy rich and getting more pussy that ever.
The Green Weenie is no fun!
Cheers
October 19, 2008
#16
Obbop, bitter burnouts like you end up mowing lawns owned by rich women.
October 19, 2008
#17
Dear Kelli,
In between you sucking massive amounts of cock and attempting to find the cliff notes on grapes of wrath please do me a favor and kill yourself because its people like you who cant take a internet joke ruining the world.
October 21, 2008
#18
Druids cast resist? I know i quit the game, but not that long ago
October 22, 2008
#19
I am barely managing to stave off the freshman 15. I’m keeping it at a healthy freshman 5.
November 4, 2008
#20
Aaha I agree with 1). CS + Diablo2 totally ruined me for a year. I’ve learned…
December 21, 2008
#21
WoW is definitely true. I spent more time playing that game than studying. Only if someone warned me sooner.
April 30, 2009
#22
The best gift for your female is a collar and very firm guidance so the simple typical addle-minded female is not forced to attempt what is either very difficult or impossible for the typical American female… act as an adult in a rough and tumble society that requires an ADULT to accept responsibilities along with attaining rights and privileges.
Guide your female. Do not expect the simpleton to think logically or rationally.
Reward good behavior with the shiny trinkets and baubles the simple creatures crave so much.
This message brought to you by the Females as Property Movement.
January 19, 2010
#23
You are a damned tuned in ourselves! Noteworthy mail indeed.
April 1, 2010
#24
must have spent half my meal points at campus convenience stores and lived on a healthy diet of Gatorade and Reeses Cups.
I really enjoyed this article. You have very good blog with good quality recordings. Thanks for the article.