Pre Climax Lines (Which ones you shouldn’t be using) by Reptar
I realize that the prospect of the ultimate orgasm is a tricky one. Face it, we all want the moment to be hot, sexy. The kind of epic climax we find ourselves cranking one out to when forced to fly out to Des Moines for a distant relatives wedding and stay in some shitty motel.
So, in the hopes of obtaining that ethereal feeling, here are 10 things you should probably not say right before firing off your milky volley:
10) “Did you feel like just slapping yourself in the face when you watched ‘The Sixth Sense’ for the second time and realized how damn obvious the twist was?”
This is bad pre-ejaculatory talk because it will probably make her think of Haley Joel Osment and nobody outside of Pee Wee Herman’s private viewing room wants to cum thinking of Haley Joel Osment. Also to consider: if she’s a dirty street whore, she probably hasn’t ever seen the movie anyway – as dirty street whores do not believe in concepts such as ‘electricity’ or ‘dignity’ – so you’re just wasting valuable orgasm energy anyway.
9) “Wouldn’t it be weird if I came so hard that it started leaking out your ears?”
For this to happen, your semen would have to travel up her cooter, through what scientists technically label her “guts”, into her stomach, up her esophagus, into her sinus cavity, past her inner ear and out of her exterior orifice. You might ask what could possibly turn her off of this, and the answer to that is quite obvious: she’s obviously in med school, weren’t you listening when she had her boobs on your face? She knows that your super-ejaculatory boastings are physically impossible.
8) “I want to take a picture of us when we cum and put it on my Facebook.”
This actually isn’t a terrible line, because filthy skanks love Facebook and probably would not mind being tagged in such a coital position. But if she’s the rare chick who actually has a “future” and seeks a “career path” that will make her “equal” in the eyes of her male co-workers, chances are she won’t risk those silly pipe dreams just to be tagged in the act of climaxing.
7) “Did you know that ‘si, semen’ backwards spells ‘nemesis’?”
Again, don’t rule this one out completely. If you’re dealing with any sort of Mexican hooker, she might be actually speak the words “si, semen” at some point and prompt your familiarity with its menacing backward spelling. But your average drunk sorority chick will not care, as she cannot spell and thinks a ‘nemesis’ is some sort of sex toy. And if I have my way with the patent office, she’s right.
6) “Do you want some saline solution in case I get it in your eye?”
If there was one thing I learned from Catholic sex ed, it was this:
nobody wants jizz in their eye. Corneas and semen just weren’t ever meant to mingle. Don’t you think it’s degrading enough to plaster her face with thirteen coatings of prospective children? No? Neither do I, maybe you should do it anyway, just leave out the whole warning part.
5) “Is it okay if I…”
Contract Ebola for being such a goddamn pussy? Sure is. Why would you ask a question like that? Is it okay if I finish in your mouth? What the fuck do you think the answer is going to be, nine times out of ten? Do yourself a favor and live by this logic: if nobody ever says no, than everyone can safely assume the answer is yes.
4) “I love you so much, I want to be with you the rest of my life!”
This fails for a few reasons. For one, it’s more likely that you love her so much you want to be balls deep in her the rest of your life. When you actually have to do things like host dinner parties and pretend to care about the trivial shit going on in her girlfriends’ lives, that love will wilt like your post-climax rodney.
Also, knocking her up is contractual enough, do you really want your dick-guided promises of marriage thrown in the mix? Didn’t think so.
3) “When we’re done, do you wanna see my pog collection?”
Pogs are actually pretty fucking rad, so you score major points for being a child of the nineties. But this takes the focus off the moment and dulls the climax by placing the emphasis on the prospect of viewing the pog collection. This is what is commonly referred to as “orgasm displacement” – your pleasure shifts from having sex to throwing down a slammer. But if you can use your pog collection as the turn-on and incorporate some form of foreplay into the act, it should make for a monster climax.
2) “You’re really tight, I’m guessing you never had an uncle that used to have you over for secret sleepovers.”
This makes you look insensitive if your partner was ever sexually abused at some point in here life. And even if she wasn’t, it sounds suspiciously like YOUR uncle had YOU over to his place for a few sessions of root beer and bad touch. There isn’t a bigger turn-off than incest, anyway. Well, maybe bestiality. But I would strongly advise in engaging in this debate (incest vs. bestiality) pre-climax.
Apparently, women don’t find it very “classy.”
1) “This is so going in my blog!”
Who are you, Diablo Cody? Fuck off. This only works for me, and only if I can offend as many people as possible in the process. When you say this, she’ll probably just think you’re some emo fag who would rather be railing some scene boy anyway. Nobody wants to approach orgasm only to realize that their partner would rather be with a member of the opposite sex. That’s just cruel, and when you don’t really seem all that into it, she’ll probably tell all your friends that you’re gay. And then what? You’ll cut yourself, that’s what.
Reptar is known for his R rated articles. He is now on myspace, check out Reptar’s blog
Other stuff to look at:
Creative Bouncer Alternatives (photoshop contest) – RM
Sleeve of Simpsons tats (pic) – CH
Sissy Rollerblader owns himself – DL
Dancing with robot wtf (pic) – Fugly
Road work fail (pic) – FH
McKANE (pic) – DH