My name is…well most people refer to me as douchebag, and I’m here to ruin your good time. Lets take a gander at some social activities you were looking forward to until I turned them into a complete train wreck.
6) First Date With A Girl You Like
You just had wonderful first date with a girl you seem to be hitting it off with. After dinner you decide to grab a few drinks and talk, while playing a relaxing game of pool.
How I will Ruin Your Night:
I spotted your date from across the bar and decided that its time to invite myself over, regardless if I am welcome. I will proceed to offer my constructive criticism toward your pool playing style and eventually focus my mentoring on your date. Taking a “mounted” position behind her (much like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa as he coached the underage chick how to play pinball), I will make sure that I maintain physical contact until I am asked that my services are no longer needed. Best case scenario: My Axe body spray puts your date in a trance which leads her to ditch you for me.
5) Day At The Beach
The weather is perfect, the waves are chest high, and everyone agrees to spend an afternoon at the beach. You thought that this was going to be an awesome day of horseshoes, volleyball, and beer. You were wrong.
How I will Ruin Everyone’s good Time.
Who invited me? It doesn’t matter, thats who. What does matter, is that I have right around zero athletic ability and I’m about to show everyone the meaning of “over competetive”. Drinking more beer than everyone combined, I will eventually spike a volleyball into the facial region of one of the cuter female spectators. This will put an end to your day at the beach as you and tend to your (now toothless) friend.
You agreed to go out for a night of Karaoke. This is usually a good time to relax, have a few beers, and possibly meet a few girls that don’t mind your inability to hold a note.
How I will Ruin Karaoke
Being a douchebag, I am naturally more hammered than everyone else. I make my way to the front as soon as you grab the mic and begin your horrendous version of “Highway to Hell”. Belting out “You fucking suck!” and “Get off the stage!”, I get chuckle from some of the ladies you were sitting near. I just turned a slightly embarrassing night of Karaoke into a mortifying night of humiliation. You’re welcome.
3) Enjoyable Night At The Movies
Its the blockbuster hit of the summer. The most anticipated action flick and you got there early in order to secure yourself a good set of seats.
How I Will Ruin Movie Night
Lucky for you, my frat buddies and I snuck a flask of Jack into the theater and sat right behind you. If being completely loud and obnoxious wasn’t enough, I will go ahead and call my ex-girlfriend. I will then argue with her until enough people, or the usher tells me to shut the fuck up.
2) Football Party
Being good hosts, you and your roommates bought a keg for this weekends big game. This eliminates a truck load of beer bottles all over your place, and for the most part seemed to be a great idea.
How I will Ruin Game Day
Like a fly and a bug light, I head straight for the keg and stay there all day. Upon letting everyone know that I can out drink them, I also insist that every female has to do a mandatory keg stand in order to secure a cup of beer. Around 45 minutes into your little party, I’m far too wasted to be holding anyone over a keg. This results in minor injuries to most of your female patrons.
1) Birthday Dinner At A Mexican Restaurant
Its your birthday so your friends have decided to take you to your favorite Mexican restaurant. Delicious food, large margaritas, and good company. You couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.
How I Completely Ruin Your Birthday
My friends and I are doing some celebrating of our own. Whats the special occasion? We’re getting shit house drunk and cackling at a decibel that would only be acceptable at a SlipKnot concert. Unsatisfied with only being loud, I will go ahead and trash our table with the rest of my goon friends. Happy birthday dick head.
Has a douchebag been the single source of destruction for your a good time? Post your experience below!