Duke Nukem is more Badass than Niko

For the modern day gamer, Niko (from GTA 4) is the epitome of a virtual badass.  Suave attitude, sick driving skills, and a way with the ladies – makes Niko a prime candidate for the pixelated badass of modern day gaming.  Lets hit the rewind button and go back to 1996 when Duke Nukem barreled his way to the top of MS-DOS gaming.  Duke Nukem did all of the basic badass things that Niko does now, well minus the driving (he flew a space ship but aliens shot it down).  What he lacks in brains, he makes up for in brawn.

So the question is: Which one of the two is more of a badass?  Who can triumph when it comes to the ladies? Which one of these cyber warriors would win in a bar fight?  We had the exact same questions, so we took some time to size them up.

Lets compare and contrast these two before making a rational decision.

4) Attitude

Niko is a well mannered guy, who doesn’t take shit from anyone.  He will show his disapproval for someone with a quick jab to the throat or a bullet to the head.  Niko has a conscience and will often try to do the right thing, even if that means killing a few bad guys who get in his way.  Niko is driven by money and success.  Duke Nukem on the other hand is driven by one thing, and one think only – Kicking ass.  He will fire an RPG inside just to see an explosion.  What keeps him going is his desire to slaughter aliens and to reap the rewards of saving some hot tail.

3) Physical Presence

Niko is slender and fit.  His 5 o’ clock shadow says “I can attend a classy business meeting, shoot up a night club, and boost a cop car all in one night”.  If you saw this man while walking down an ally, you’d most certainly get out of his way.

Duke Nukem is a mountain of a man.  No he couldn’t attend a business meeting or even goto an event at a fancy night club.  What he could do is enter a beer drinking contest and win.  Directly there after he could sign up for a tough man tournament and completely dominate his opponent (while seeing double).  If you saw this man while walking down an ally, you wouldn’t have time to get out of his way.  The shit in your pants would slow you down just enough and you’d be hit with an RPG before making it around the corner.

2) Strip Club Etiquette (way with the ladies)

Niko enjoys a trip to the strip club (semi nsfw) every now and then.  As shown in the clip he is a perfect gentlemen and pays the ladies just like any normal guy would.  Ladies flock to Niko because of his charming personality and his full wallet.

Duke Nukem also enjoys the gentlemen clubs.  The only difference really, is that he has no problem dropping a shotgun shell into a stripper when he is unable to pay for a dance.

The ladies flock to Duke for two reasons.  Protection and Fear.  When aliens storm the earth they want a man who will protect and provide.  However, they know the consequences of what will happen if they don’t obey when he tells them to “shake it baby”.  If Duke and Niko were in the same booby bar, the females would definitely go for for Duke first.

1) When Shit Hits the Fan

When the odds are stacked, Niko knows when its time to cut his losses and head for the exit.  Using smarts, Niko will often live to fight another day.

Duke Nukem lacks this type of rational thinking.  Strapping a gat to his back, while tossing pipe bombs over his shoulder, Duke will keep fighting until he has killed everything in site, or has died trying.

We’re going to give this round to Duke Nukem as well and heres why:  While Niko lives to fight another day, he will eventually have to face his enemies.  By this time they’re ready for him which eliminates the element of surprise.  Duke leaves it all out on the table.  Kill or be killed.

Still not convinced that Duke Nukem is more of a badass?  Watch how he brings this woman to tears using only a handful of lines.  NSFW (Language)

Budweiser Demotivator

I am easily amused.  So easily amused that I will attempt to make a demotivational poster out of any picture that I find even slightly interesting.

My Demotivator

Wanna make your own?

1) Right click the original, and save it to your desktop

2) Head over to the Demotivational Poster Maker and make your own

3) Right click your finished picture and post your link below

Flaming Shot Failure

I seriously don’t understand how people continue attempts at flaming shots without extinguishing the fire before hand.  Take a look at how this Darwin candidate almost ignites an entire kitchen.

Another Failed Flaming Shot – Watch more free videos

Weekend Link Dump

How different majors react to roadkill – College Humor

Bambi and Thumper (irl) – Fugly

Been to Hooters? Try Knockers – DumpaLink

Safety first! – Evil Milk

Body Language – CreepyGif

Fire ball baseball? – Dailyhaha

I kissed a girl and… – Steven Humour

Chick removes her ribs – I Am Bored

Swollen eyes can be sexy…

Does this slightly excite anyone else?  OK good, for a minute there I thought I had issues for being able to pitch a tent in my shorts, whilst looking at a dudes fucked up eye.  Here is the original incase you want to shop it.  Amuse us and post them below.

Can’t watch porn at work?

Welcome to the next best thing.  Humor and slight arousal all in one!  I really hope this is the beginning of some awesome remakes.  I have an idea of my own.

Debbie Does Dallas 2000, washing machine scene:  Put her on top of a CBR 1000.

Diesel SFW XXX – Watch more free videos

Tickling Tacos in TJ

Name: David

Age: 19

About 5 years ago when I was 19, we drove down to Tijuana, Mexico for a night of partying.   I myself am also Mexican, unfortunately I don’t know the language.  My Mexican friends refer to me as a coconut (brown on the outside white on the inside).

So we head down to TJ and immediately hit a club on the strip.  In TJ you can pay something like $15 to drink all of the beer you want at clubs.  After about 2 hours of continuous drinking, we decided to leave the dance club and hit a strip club.

Another great thing about TJ is that you are able to touch the strippers.  The stuff that goes down on a regular night in Mexico is enough to get anyone a life sentence in the states.  So anyway I get a liking to this “stripper” and I think she is digging me as well.  Her hand was rubbing my junk over my pants until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

She says something in Spanish that I don’t understand.  Finally I am able to make out the words “35 dollars”.  35 dollars for what?  I made the universal sign for sex, and she nodded.

Minutes later I am out $35 dollars and feeling pretty shameful.  Not that I really regret it because she was great, but I regret that my friends were there.  On the drive home they made jokes how I had aids and stuff which really pissed me off.

Dear David, Let me get this straight.  You had sexual intercourse with a prostitute in the dirtiest Mexican city known to man, and your only regret is that your friends saw you do it?  You might just be one of the coolest people in my cool book right now.

Tennis makes the ladies moan?

Disclaimer: I found my hand sneaking its way down my shorts halfway into this video.  If you’re at work, make sure you don’t “drift off”.  With a performance like that on the court, it makes you wonder what her ‘bed room decibel’ is.

Female Player Excited by Tennis – Watch more free videos

11 Helpful Nightlife Caution Signs

A night at the bar can get pretty intense.  We’ve put together some caution signs that should probably become mandatory in all bars and night clubs from here on out.

11)

10)

9)

7)

6)

5)

4)

3)

2)

1)

Don’t forget to enter in our Beer Ad Photoshop Contest!

Has this Douchebag ruined your good time?

My name is…well most people refer to me as douchebag, and I’m here to ruin your good time.  Lets take a gander at some social activities you were looking forward to until I turned them into a complete train wreck.

6) First Date With A Girl You Like

You just had wonderful first date with a girl you seem to be hitting it off with.  After dinner you decide to grab a few drinks and talk, while playing a relaxing game of pool.

How I will Ruin Your Night:

I spotted your date from across the bar and decided that its time to invite myself over, regardless if I am welcome.  I will proceed to offer my constructive criticism toward your pool playing style and eventually focus my mentoring on your date.  Taking a “mounted” position behind her (much like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa as he coached the underage chick how to play pinball), I will make sure that I maintain physical contact until I am asked that my services are no longer needed.  Best case scenario: My Axe body spray puts your date in a trance which leads her to ditch you for me.

5) Day At The Beach

The weather is perfect, the waves are chest high, and everyone agrees to spend an afternoon at the beach.  You thought that this was going to be an awesome day of horseshoes, volleyball, and beer.  You were wrong.

How I will Ruin Everyone’s good Time.

Who invited me?  It doesn’t matter, thats who.  What does matter, is that I have right around zero athletic ability and I’m about to show everyone the meaning of “over competetive”.  Drinking more beer than everyone combined, I will eventually spike a volleyball into the facial region of one of the cuter female spectators.  This will put an end to your day at the beach as you and tend to your (now toothless) friend.

4) Karaoke

You agreed to go out for a night of Karaoke.  This is usually a good time to relax, have a few beers, and possibly meet a few girls that don’t mind your inability to hold a note.

How I will Ruin Karaoke

Being a douchebag, I am naturally more hammered than everyone else.  I make my way to the front as soon as you grab the mic and begin your horrendous version of “Highway to Hell”.  Belting out “You fucking suck!” and “Get off the stage!”, I get chuckle from some of the ladies you were sitting near.  I just turned a slightly embarrassing night of Karaoke into a mortifying night of humiliation.  You’re welcome.

3) Enjoyable Night At The Movies

Its the blockbuster hit of the summer.  The most anticipated action flick and you got there early in order to secure yourself a good set of seats.

How I Will Ruin Movie Night

Lucky for you, my frat buddies and I snuck a flask of Jack into the theater and sat right behind you.  If being completely loud and obnoxious wasn’t enough, I will go ahead and call my ex-girlfriend.  I will then argue with her until enough people, or the usher tells me to shut the fuck up.

2) Football Party

Being good hosts, you and your roommates bought a keg for this weekends big game.  This eliminates a truck load of beer bottles all over your place, and for the most part seemed to be a great idea.

How I will Ruin Game Day

Like a fly and a bug light, I head straight for the keg and stay there all day.  Upon letting everyone know that I can out drink them, I also insist that every female has to do a mandatory keg stand in order to secure a cup of beer.  Around 45 minutes into your little party, I’m far too wasted to be holding anyone over a keg.  This results in minor injuries to most of your female patrons.

1) Birthday Dinner At A Mexican Restaurant

Its your birthday so your friends have decided to take you to your favorite Mexican restaurant.  Delicious food, large margaritas, and good company.  You couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.

How I Completely Ruin Your Birthday

My friends and I are doing some celebrating of our own.  Whats the special occasion?  We’re getting shit house drunk and cackling at a decibel that would only be acceptable at a SlipKnot concert.  Unsatisfied with only being loud, I will go ahead and trash our table with the rest of my goon friends.  Happy birthday dick head.

Has a douchebag been the single source of destruction for your a good time?  Post your experience below!

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