Fatty Two-Times

Name: Jack
Age: 26

This takes place a few years ago while I was in the Navy, on the way back from the Gulf.   I was 19 at the time.  We had been at sea for 90 days straight and we were all getting restless.   We finally pull into port on the Med around noon.

My buddy and I find the nearest pub and start drinking everything in sight.  We start with Guinness, as one does; then we move on to concocted shots.  After about two solid hours of drinking, I actually take notice of the bartender.  To say this girl was large would be a gross understatement.  At about 5′3, and at least 250 pounds, she had her own gravitational field.  And massive tits.  I hone in on the tits and begin to spin my game. ‘Hey baby, I’ve been at sea for three months, I’m leaving tomorrow’ etc.  She’s laughing, pouring me shots, taking some herself, and loving the attention.

I take all the money I have out of my pockets and put it on the bar.  I don’t know how much is there, don’t even know what country it was from.   It’s about this time I black out.  When I come to, it’s dark and I’m lying in an alley in a pool of my own piss, covered in vomit.  My wallet with my credit and bank cards are gone, along with my ID.   I’m lying in this alley, thinking I’m completely fucked, when I find one of those envelopes they give you at a hotel to keep your key in.  I decide to head for the room number on the envelope.

I find the hotel, quickly get in the elevator so no one sees me in my disgusting state, and find (apparently) my room.  Upon opening the door, I see the bartender in bed smoking a cigarette.  She’s completely naked. Rolls upon rolls of fat.  I retch, but I’m already wearing the contents of my stomach, so nothing much happens.  She says “I was wondering where you went without your wallet!”  She points to the nightstand, and there are all of my things among empty bottles and piles of cigarette ash.  Thank god.

She gets out of bed, walks (rolls) to the dresser, and pours me a plastic cup of Vodka. “Drink up,” she says “I’m not done with you.”  She undoes my piss and vomit covered pants, and fucking blows me.

A serious what the fuck moment.  Fuck it, I say, and drain the vodka.  I get good and tight again, and end up raw dogging this fat naked foreign bitch over the railing of a fifth story hotel balcony.  Me reeking like piss and vomit, still wearing my puke covered shirt; her screaming in broken English ‘FUCK ME SAILOR! FUCK ME!’
The pure fucking horror I felt when I finally woke up the next day was un-fucking-speakable.

When I get back to the ship, my buddy fills me in on what happened when I blacked out.  Long story short, we ended up double-teaming this bitch, then I decided that I really fucking needed some Southern Comfort, so I split, leaving my wallet in the room.

No condoms-No name-No fucking dignity.

Jack, I really like the part where you said “I started spinning my game”.  How much game is required to land a beached Orca?