Name: funnebone

Age: 37

I had just started dating this dancer in Dallas about 2 weeks prior to this ugly night.  I use the term dating loosely.  One night after drinking and eating and doing things that would be illegal even in a Mexican border town, I passed out in her bed.

At some point during the night I felt a rumble in my stomach which progressed into an all out air siren.  The pain was increasing as was the urgency.  I knew this was going to be no ordinary event and I was concerned by the close proximity of the bathroom to the bed.

I didn’t think our relationship had progressed enough for her to hear and smell me in this vulnerable state.  I slid out of bed and headed for the hallway hoping to make it to the other bathroom.  She had a two bedroom apartment with no roommate so there was another bathroom I could violate.

I made it out of her room undetected but my plan was disrupted when…well when the turtle got out of the cage.  Trying my hardest to clench my cheeks and walk, I couldn’t hold it in and I left a considerable chocolate trail through the living room all the way to the other bathroom.  With a thundering release my bowels emptied into the toilet and I felt relief.  I looked at the mess I had made and panicked.  I thought surely she is going to walk out and discover what I had done.

As I reached over and found an empty toilet paper roll, my fear was compounded. I now had to navigate through the shit minefield to the kitchen for paper towels, all the while hoping she does not awaken.  Once back in the bathroom I cleaned my self up and flushed the toilet only to find that it was now clogged by the
paper towels.

With no plunger in sight I really started to sweat.  I ran to the kitchen and got some windex and sprayed every foul spot on the way back to the toilet.  By now the toilet was as equally disturbing so I poured windex into it hoping it would unclog the drain. I tried my best to clean up the spots on the carpet and crawled back into bed.

The next morning she asked me what happened to the carpet.  I told her I came out to get something to drink and the dog must have crapped all over. I tried to clean it up but ended up clogging the toilet up.  Eventually I bought a plunger and some carpet cleaner and did a CSI.

With no trace of the event available for her discovery, the instance was never revealed…until now.

10 bucks says she knew it was you all along but didn’t have the heart to call you out!

  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •