Name: funnebone
Age: 37
I had just started dating this dancer in Dallas about 2 weeks prior to this ugly night. I use the term dating loosely. One night after drinking and eating and doing things that would be illegal even in a Mexican border town, I passed out in her bed.
At some point during the night I felt a rumble in my stomach which progressed into an all out air siren. The pain was increasing as was the urgency. I knew this was going to be no ordinary event and I was concerned by the close proximity of the bathroom to the bed.
I didn’t think our relationship had progressed enough for her to hear and smell me in this vulnerable state. I slid out of bed and headed for the hallway hoping to make it to the other bathroom. She had a two bedroom apartment with no roommate so there was another bathroom I could violate.
I made it out of her room undetected but my plan was disrupted when…well when the turtle got out of the cage. Trying my hardest to clench my cheeks and walk, I couldn’t hold it in and I left a considerable chocolate trail through the living room all the way to the other bathroom. With a thundering release my bowels emptied into the toilet and I felt relief. I looked at the mess I had made and panicked. I thought surely she is going to walk out and discover what I had done.
As I reached over and found an empty toilet paper roll, my fear was compounded. I now had to navigate through the shit minefield to the kitchen for paper towels, all the while hoping she does not awaken. Once back in the bathroom I cleaned my self up and flushed the toilet only to find that it was now clogged by the
paper towels.
With no plunger in sight I really started to sweat. I ran to the kitchen and got some windex and sprayed every foul spot on the way back to the toilet. By now the toilet was as equally disturbing so I poured windex into it hoping it would unclog the drain. I tried my best to clean up the spots on the carpet and crawled back into bed.
The next morning she asked me what happened to the carpet. I told her I came out to get something to drink and the dog must have crapped all over. I tried to clean it up but ended up clogging the toilet up. Eventually I bought a plunger and some carpet cleaner and did a CSI.
With no trace of the event available for her discovery, the instance was never revealed…until now.
10 bucks says she knew it was you all along but didn’t have the heart to call you out!
July 11, 2008
#1
Yeah I am going to have to agree with Jason, but have to give you props on the quick recovery and the clean up efforts
July 11, 2008
#2
That’s really the s**ts you know. Bwahahahahaha. You crack me up. Have a great weekend.
July 11, 2008
#3
That was funny! Similar thing happened to me about 4 years ago!
July 11, 2008
#4
Definitely a contender for the free t-shirt contest. Pretty entertaining and gross story.
July 11, 2008
#5
Oh she knew it was you, I guarantee it. First of what guy cleans up dog poop? Secondly, what chick wouldn’t have finished cleaning it up if it was truly her dog that made the mess? No way would I wait around with dog poop in my carpet for some guy to clean it up – unless I KNEW it was really the guys fault. At which point it would be wayyyy to gross to let him back into my house unless…. hhmmm….. maybe you got game?
July 11, 2008
#6
ohhh Man I think you’re getting called out Funnebone!
July 12, 2008
#7
I have to admit that was quit a story. My guess she knew all a long.
July 12, 2008
#8
LOL that is some pretty funny stuff there guy! I hate when that happens!
July 12, 2008
#9
Photos or it didn’t happen.
July 12, 2008
#10
Weird stuff…
July 12, 2008
#11
LOL, no doubt. I hate it when that happens.
http://www.FireMe.To/udi
July 12, 2008
#12
Wow, ahahah, you dumbass.
July 12, 2008
#13
This is a cautionary tale about why you should empty your bowels *before* you let your girlfriend anally ram you with her new Lexington Steele assmaster 5000.
July 12, 2008
#14
Funnebone – unless your name is Max Tucker, and you wrote this book..
http://www.amazon.com/Hope-They-Serve-Beer-Hell/dp/0806527285
What you have basically done is narrated what Max Tucker talks about in his book – unless by some wierd coincidence, the same thing happened with you too…
July 12, 2008
#15
She didn’t know…she will never know..well unless she learned how to read and is on the internet,,,if so….how about a quickie for old time sake?
July 12, 2008
#16
I knew it was you
July 13, 2008
#17
I hardly think that your max tucker trademarked misplaced crapping but if you’d like to send me a copy of the book I will use it the next time I am in a similar situation.
July 13, 2008
#18
I’ve got an extra copy of the book I can send you if you really want it. This is the one hes talking about http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml#278
July 13, 2008
#19
Entertaining story but I fail to see the ANAlogy. Your guy ( or you if you wrote this) was shat upon whereas in my instance I was that shatter. To accuse me of ripping off a book just because both stories involve feces is just plain shit talking. If you are trying to plug a book I am happy for you but try to do it on its own merit and not backdooring someone else.
July 13, 2008
#20
I hear you bra, I’ve got drunk and shit on the floor a million times.
July 13, 2008
#21
@Ben – Hit me with the story, I’ll post it
July 13, 2008
#22
Wow Ben..you mean shit come out of your ass too? According to that fella we are oddities!
July 13, 2008
#23
Hahaha! Considering dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend huh? That’s some nice nifty trick you pulled
I should learn from you more often,
July 13, 2008
#24
Too bad she didn’t really have a dog.
I once lost control of my bowels in the LV Stratosphere parking garage, in front of security cams. A grizzly bear sized diarrhea sputtered out of me. My new wife was not amused. It was our wedding day.
July 13, 2008
#25
Marc trust me, my dog and his shit have had their revenge on me several times since that but I will save that for another day.
July 13, 2008
#26
I was wondering if I could retain Tucker Max to sue Jason/Callingyouout for defamation of character since he accused me of copying his book when clearly there is no similarity. Since they are most likely all the same person , would he waive his fees?
July 13, 2008
#27
Nasty story… but I think I have the book that goes with it “Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi” i read it to my kids all the time… IT IS A kids story. I’m sure you won’t get in trouble for quoting this one… LOL
Chato
http://mentalhealthhumor.com
July 13, 2008
#28
hey i read that story someplace else in a book i think
July 13, 2008
#29
She didn’t figure it out; she’s a stripper! They aren’t exactly known for their Mensa memberships.
July 13, 2008
#30
Something kinda like this happened around where I live, but its a little more twisted. A guy passed out drunk on his girlfriend’s parents couch, and had an accident. It was a brand new tan couch, they blamed it on the dog when the parents got home a few days later. The parents put the dog to sleep the next dat for messing up the new couch and because of its generally bad behavior.
July 13, 2008
#31
I saw that on Digg Jon, you sure thats not bullshit?
July 13, 2008
#32
One day i woke up with BROWN STUFF SMEARED ALL OVER MY FACE AND IN MY HAIR!
I nearly puked but then realized there was no smell and so I TASTED IT! IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD!!
It was a chocolate i slept wid, forgot its name
July 13, 2008
#33
i personally dont know the names of the people involved but i know a ton of people who do
July 14, 2008
#34
Poor poor stupid dog
July 14, 2008
#35
i would’ve acted as surprised as she was..
my brother once shat by the train tracks in an urgency situation and use his ticket as a cleaning device
July 14, 2008
#36
used*
July 18, 2008
#37
Look for your High Five from me here.
July 18, 2008
#38
so here i am at work reading this “shitty” tale and laughing uncontrollably, the chick that sits next to me (mother of three, respectable lady) says ” whatcha reading there dmac?” lol needless to say this story is about sports of some kind
August 25, 2008
#39
the greatest story I’ve heard in a long time! I have a dog too and he’s sleepin on the couch-i keep looking at him and laughing! Friggin’ perfect!
June 20, 2009
#40
Better to ask How do you get that stupid?
February 13, 2010
#41
?????, ? ??????? ? ???? ???????? ?? ?????? ?????? ?????? (?? ????? ????)?