Name: Sarah

Age: 21

So the night starts out with my roomie (Nicole) and myself at a club.  It started as a regular night, drinking, searching for cute guys, and talking about randomness. Well, we get to the back part of the club and I look up on this balcony and see a really cool bar and couch area and I of course want to go up there. So I walk up to the bouncer and ask him how I go about getting up there.

Bouncer: It is for VIP only
Me: Well I have never been here before and it would be really cool to go up there and have a good time.
Bouncer: Go talk to the guy in the DJ booth

Me: Hey I was wondering how I get up in the VIP area?
Guy in dj booth: Who are you here with?
Me: (pointing to Nicole) the hot red head over there.
Guy: Here take theses bracelets and VIP cards and head on up, oh and be sure to come back later for some shots.
Me: thanks, oh and we will!

So we head on up and sit in a cornered off area with 3 couches and a table, P-I-M-P!  The waitress comes up and says that we have to order bottle service in order to stay up there. Shiiiiiiiiit.  I ask to see the bottle list.  Hmm, a bottle of vodka is only 100 bucks.  So I say to the roomie 50 bucks each isn’t bad, we were probably going to spend that anyway, she agrees.  Why not we say.

So we order a bottle of vodka and a shitload of mixers.  The waitress asks us when the rest of our party will be arriving, I look at my roommate and we just start laughing.

Me: (giggling) umm this is it, just me (pointing to my roomie) and her
Waitress: oh ok. What are you guys celebrating?
Me: Us, because we are fabulous.

So the drinking begins!  Now where we are sitting we can see the entire dance floor as we are up on a balcony.  I start pointing at guys and inviting them up and then proceeding to make out with them.  So the drinking and making out continues all night.  Finally, the lights come on in the club and the place starts to clear out.  So Nicole, the boy she was macking on, myself, and the guy I was macking on leave the bar.  I decide I am pretty drunk and want to head home.  So being drunk and horny, I invite the guy back to my place.  We flag down a taxi and head home, leaving Nicole with her guy to do god knows what.  We get back to my place and start making out.  Well of course this guy wants to have sex which, yeah, sounds fun and all but I am so drunk that all that movement would probably send me praying to the porcelain god.

Sooooooooo, I tell him that it is time to leave.

Guy: why?
Me: cause I am tired and want to go to bed
Guy: can’t I just sleep in your bed? I won’t touch you.
Me: HA! No, I don’t let strange boys sleep in my bed.
Guy: can I sleep on the couch?
Me: nah, you should just leave.

Ok so the rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur because at this point I was SHITFACED, so I get up and walk him to the door.  I think he was still trying to convince me to let him stay and he was rambling about how to get home.  Blah, blah, blah, I just wanted to puke and go to bed.  So I shove him out the door and lock it up.  I stumble to the other side of the house to close a window, as I close it I remember him yelling at something, whatever.

The funny thing is the way he was walking was the wrong direction to get out of my complex, hahaha.  So I turn the alarm system on and pass the fuck out.

The next morning Nicole and I have our usual catch up session.  In which she proceeds to tell me that our bill that was supposed to be 100 bucks ended up being 400! Woops.  Whatever it was totally worth it.

So guys next time you think about playing a girl just know that she is fully capable of doing it back.  I am sure that guy that I kicked out told all his friends he was going to get laid.  Instead, he had to hike his ass out of my complex to the nearest cross street so he could tell a taxi where to get him, and then he had to pay at least 40 bucks to get back home.

Morning Rules:

People, people, if you are going to stay the night with your one-night stand/hook-up, that is fine, but know the rules.

If they say they are going to take a shower, LEAVE
If they say they are going to get up and get some coffee/breakfast, LEAVE
If they say they have a lot to do that day, LEAVE
If they say they are going to go for a swim in the pool, LEAVE
If they say they are going to go pick up breakfast, LEAVE

Essentially if they get up and get out of bed, LEAVE!  I had one guy stay the night, and I did ALL of the above and he would not leave!!!!!!!  I finally said “you need to get the fuck out”.

Guys if you think that for some reason these rules don’t apply to you, and that chicks are the only ones that get the boot in the morning, you’re mistaken.  If the girl gets out of bed and does not invite you to stay or offer you breakfast, LEAVE!

——

I don’t know whether to feel bad for Mr. Blue Balls or revoke his mancard for not closing the deal.