We had just finished a fairly large job so I decided to take a handful of my co-workers out for drinks. Things were winding down and I was about to call it a night when a group of obnoxious drunk girls came stumbling in. One was trying to shoot pool and fell on her ass, while the other 2 girls cackled like Hyenas.
That’s when Kristen came over and introduced herself in a very lady like way…
“Hey guys! Do you know how much skin it takes to cover the head of a penis”?
Dumbfounded we all sort of just looked at each other. Before we get a chance to speak she says:
“About this much!” and stuck out her tongue.
We all laughed and she went back to her table with the rest of the ladies who had not stopped cackling.
I then made one of the worst judgement calls of my life. Feeling a bit buzzed I went over to their table and insisted that they come have a drink with us.
A few pitchers of beer later I decided again that it was time to go. This time Kristen asked me if she could get a ride home. Apparently her friends were being slutty and she just wanted to get out of there.
Three minutes into the drive Kristen explains to me that her house is very hard to find in the dark. Taking that as my Que I let her know she could stay the night at my place and I would take her home early.
We get to my place and I mix up a couple of screw drivers. Before I know it we’re in my bedroom doing the deed. I kept telling myself to reach for the condom bowl but I was wasted. Thankfully I didn’t last long and was able to successfully place my DNA on her stomach.
We both passed out not saying much. We were both super hammered. Around 4am I awake to a foul smell, and Kristen is no where in site. I look over at her side of the bed and see a giant brown spot. This makes me gag and I hurl myself into the laundry room. Here I see Kristin in a towel over the washing machine.
Me “What the fuck is going on here”
Kristen “I had an accident”
Me “Jesus Christ”
I planted myself on the couch where I pass out until about 11am. Kristen was no where in site and my bed was stripped. I could not believe that I just had intercourse with someone who left a mud painting on my bed.
Over a week goes by and still no word from Kristen (thankfully). My mom had come by to drop off some tools that I let her borrow. I told her to place everything in the laundry room and I would sort it later. Then I hear my mom shriek
“Kevin what in gods name is…”
I ran to the laundry room only to see my mom holding up a pair of panties with a coat hanger. The panties were brown and covered in dry shit. They were also completely stiff.
My mom looked at me in shock and said “what in the hell kinda girls are you bringing here”.
I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.