Regretful Morning

Relationship Advice

Posted March 31st, 2008 at 1:24 am by

In the past month or so I’ve had 3 of my friends come to me with the exact same sob story.  All 3 times, I’ve given the same piece of advice.  I decided to put it in writing because I was starting to feel a bit like a broken record.  Despite what you may think, it doesn’t bug me when a fallen brother has to come over and vent about how much of a whore his ex-girlfriend is.

Why doesn’t it bug me?  I live alone, have a big TV, a shit load of video games, a small drinking problem, and plenty of alcohol.  Its basically taking advantage of a situation where you don’t have to drink alone during the week.  Now onto the bullshit that started this whole rant.

I’ve been telling my buddy Nick to dump this whore girlfriend of his for months.  She was super hot and super young.  I knew from the start she was a little pig.  Of course he didn’t listen to me and a few months later I get a phone call from him telling me that hes engaged.  “Good job retard”, I thought to myself as I congratulated him.

A few weeks later he catches her cheating, indirectly.  Although he didn’t see her in the act, he did see a text message from her ex saying “I’ll be sure to shave down there before you come over” or something along those lines.  Trying not to laugh, I put on my serious face.  It was time to drop some knowledge about women…

All woman are whores.  The sooner you accept the fact that the girl you are dating, is probably getting fucked silly by at least 1 other guy, the sooner you stop giving a shit.  I know I’m going to get a hard time for this so I will explain.  When I say “all women are whores” I am just generalizing and I know there are a few small exceptions to the rule.  I failed statistics so I will not try to give you a percentage.  Instead, I will draw a small pie graph.

graph.jpg

If you’re under 30 years old, why are you in a serious relationship anyway?  Serious relationships lead to marriage, marriage leads to divorce, divorce leads to you losing your house/car/dog.  Now I do know some old people who are still together after getting married at a young age and I tip my hat to them.  Those are rare exceptions.  I’d say the chances of two high school sweethearts staying together at this day in age are…umm…pretty fucking slim.

Seriously though.  Do you really want to marry the chick you’re with right now?  Lets fast forward 40+ years.  That’s the last axe wound your wiener will ever see for the rest of your life.  Then while shes on her death bed, and you can no longer get it up, she’ll hand you a list of how many dudes drilled her while you were away on buisness.

Don’t you dare try to counter me with “but I love her” either.  Saying “I’m in love” is another way of saying “I’m a pussy”.  You can choose to play dumb or you can take it for what it is.

This isn’t 1952 anymore and the modern day woman is becoming more and more like a man.  The only difference being that a man doesn’t have that same constant crave for attention.  Tell me the last girl you were with didn’t have a higher number of partners than you.  If she tells you a number less than 10, you do what I like to call “girl math”.  Just multiply that number by 3 and you’ll have a round a bout number of how many flesh rockets shes been stuffed by.

Stop crying.  You’re chick is grinding up on random dudes at the bar while you’re at home playing xbox.  Once you’re at the point where you can tell yourself this without getting upset, you’ll be much happier in the long run.

If you do find that special someone, you can always hope for the best.  I say expect the worse.  You better be sure to get her 18 year old sisters number before you get too serious.  There’s nothing that says “fuck you” better to an ex, then a giant load on her little sisters stomach.

So there you have it.  Don’t expect much from the girl you’re in to.  If you do, you’ll end up wishing you listened to me.

Lastly, to all of the feminists who I may have offended.  Don’t bother emailing me because my response will be this generic image.

know_your_role.jpg

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35 Comments
  • Matt
    March 31, 2008
    Reply


    #1

    Well said

  • .45
    March 31, 2008
    Reply


    #2

    The less you ever expect, the happy you’ll be, for sure. In fact, a girl’s much more likely to be faithful to you (and eager to please overall) if you don’t seem to care. It’s part of the whole attention craving thing.

  • jason
    April 24, 2008
    Reply


    #3

    You couldnt be more right my brother. I see marriage as a demented self demoralizing act that effects not only the poor mutha fucker gettin hemed up but his buddies as well. Think about the friend of yours that got married…..when was the last time you actually enjoyed hanging out with him, or for that matter GOT to hang out with him. Its bullshit!!! Not until about 6 years after they have been married does he start to realize that he really fucked his life up and starts trying to think of excuses to come hang out again and by that time you dont even know the guy. He will sit and bitch about his shitty relationship to all of his friends and as a good friend all your response should be is “dump that fucking whore” For some reason society deems it neccassary to get married, start a family, go up. Well I am not having it my friend. I am not getting married so that one day 5 years down the line I can have the privelage of sharing all my shit and half of my income to some dumb bitch that i used to like to fuck. Well bro that is all I have to say right now but rest assured there is more to com from this guy.

  • amber
    August 6, 2008
    Reply


    #4

    you are just some naive idiot who got his heart smashed back in the third grade. get a grip and wake up, you moron.

  • Dave
    August 6, 2008
    Reply


    #5

    Erm… What do you multiply it by if she tells you a number more (a LOT more) than ten?

  • Dave
    August 6, 2008
    Reply


    #6

    And i mean when she’s sober.

  • LoLDave
    August 6, 2008
    Reply


    #7

    Dave-
    You multiply it by get the fuck out of the relationship and get tested for STDs…

  • jex
    August 7, 2008
    Reply


    #8

    the dude who wrote this probably had a girlfriend who dumped him for another girl. hence the hatred for the female populace.

  • DJ
    August 10, 2008
    Reply


    #9

    Men and women are whores. If everyone would stop expecting so much out of each other they would never be disappointed. Men cheat on women just as much. Just because you didn’t cheat on her first, don’t be mad because she beat you to the punch. Love dies. Enjoy whatever you have for the short time it lasts. And when it’s done, get over it and do it again with someone else. Or stay at home playing with yourself… and your xbox.. just don’t electricute yourself. Men… know your role… take out the trash. Your mom’s been telling you that since you were a kid. Now that you’re dating her, you wonder why she shits on you? She’s trash.

  • Rachel
    August 13, 2008
    Reply


    #10

    I find this article pretty damn funny. You are such and idiot!! You say its not 1952 anymore?? So why do you have a picture of women back in say the 1950′s HA!! Can you say HYPOCRITE Are you just intimidated by a women making more money than you or something? Your total view on relationships cracks me up. I am sorry “your friends” date total whores that does not make the rest of the race “cum guzzling whores” Have fun spending the rest of your life alone!!!

  • lulzRachel
    September 16, 2008
    Reply


    #11

    Rachel I’d like to cum on your face.

    And please, shave down there before I come over.

  • Vasko
    December 10, 2008
    Reply


    #12

    umm my girlfriend told me that she slept with 20 other dudes before me and that she has taken it in the butt 4 times, does that make her a whore?

  • Vasko
    December 10, 2008
    Reply


    #13

    btw she was sober

  • Jason
    December 10, 2008
    Reply


    #14

    Vasko, only if she got shit on the sheets.

  • Vasko
    December 11, 2008
    Reply


    #15

    thankfully she hasnt but i still dont feel right about the amount of dudes she has been with and especially that she has taken it in the butt 4 times, i think thats disgusting!! why couldn’t this bitch have lied to me?

  • Jason
    December 11, 2008
    Reply


    #16

    Vasko, its better that she got a bunch of cock in the butt before she met you. Now that its out of her system you won’t have to worry about the gardener drilling for oil while you’re working late.

  • Vasko
    December 13, 2008
    Reply


    #17

    yeah i guess your right Jason

  • Sarah
    February 22, 2009
    Reply


    #18

    So – if she “dates” other men while she’s dating you – does that make her a whore? We’re talking date, no sex, perhaps kissing? If you’re not going to marry – and I agree with you there about age intellectually – should you hold someone to exclusivity? Isn’t there a civilized way to “date’ a woman without assuming, or calling her a whore? And – the question I would ask myself, in your situation, is if every woman YOU meet is a “whore” – and most other men would say that most women they meet are the total opposite of “whores” and in fact pretty “uptight” – then why are you attracting and attracted to whorish women? I say – look to yourself. It’s all a mirror out there. YOu like whorish women – all men do – it’s exciting and thrilling. And maybe there’s a way to have it all. The thing is – as any man will tell you – when you fall, you fall. Hard. When it happens to you, I hope she’s a nice girl (and – you’d be so BORED with a woman like the one in the pictures…) Sarah (www.LoveRomanceRelationship.com)

    • Jason
      February 22, 2009
      Reply


      #19

      “So – if she “dates” other men while she’s dating you – does that make her a whore?”

      Pretty much Sarah. The point of dating is to build a relationship. You don’t find that whorish if shes already with someone?

      Also, if there is no chance of sex or kissing with that other person, why not just call it “hanging out with a friend?”

      “YOu like whorish women – all men do – it’s exciting and thrilling. And maybe there’s a way to have it all”

      Heres why: Numbers dont like. over 50% of marriages end in divorce, over 30% of men in America are not, or were not the father of a child they thought was theirs. Women are scandalous for the most part.

      Sure there are nice ones out there (you seem cool) but thats a numbers game I don’t feel like playing. I’d be devastated to lose half of my shit. Much easier to face reality and keep it casual.

      And holy shit this post is like a yr old, I should go back and read it.

  • stud muffin
    March 8, 2009
    Reply


    #20

    u are a sad sad person who probly sits in da huz wankin al day long to the same porno!!! so are u saying ur mum and sisters and grannie and aunts are also cum cum guzzling whores? get a fuckin grip u weird person who has nothing better to do with ur lives, bet a student made this who got dumped by a long time girlfriend and still hasnt got over it. jus die

    • Jason
      March 8, 2009
      Reply


      #21

      I see college in your future. “who probly sits in da huz wankin al day” lol – please tell me you use condoms because holy fuck your genes need to be eliminated.

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    August 10, 2009
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    #26

    Not gonna lie when my boyfriend asked me how many people i have had sex with i said 3 when the actual number including him equals 9. but i have not and will not cheat as i have been cheated on by someone before and do not like how it feels.

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